EAT challenge: Try your hand at some very fine copy writing!

EAT has had rather a lot of time on our hands recently, waiting for phone calls to be returned by civil servants.

“Any decision on the merger between Zoopla and Digital?” we asked the OFT press office, knowing full well there probably was.

“We’ll get back to you,” they said. We’re waiting – and we’re beginning to know how Zoopla and Digital feel.

“Have you issued the guidance you promised to estate agents on EPCs?” we asked the CLG press office.

Answer came there none.

So, forced to indulge our interest in fiction rather than fact, and putting aside the novel that we really must start one day, we spent a little time trying our hand at writing some copy ads in the style of Fine, and Fine & Country.

Surprisingly, it’s not nearly as easy as it looks. This is partly because it defies parody.

It is also because you have to combine a sense of such gorgeousness that the owner isn’t in the least bothered about selling, with utter desperation that the vendor has to get every penny of the asking price in order to fund his latest divorce and stave off bank foreclosure on the tasteless money pit.

Also, you only have six paragraphs, plus a sort of pull quote thingie at the end in italics.

However, EAT had a go:

“The moment we turned in the sweeping drive and saw the house bathed in the dying embers of the day, we knew this would be our forever home,” say the owners of this light-filled manor on the edge of Slough.

The Grade 1 listed property, which dates from the 9th Century, has been totally renovated by Richard and Fiona with chic contemporary designer touches.

The Clive Christian kitchen, integral music systems, basement cinema, underfloor heating and self-closing curtains make the manor the perfect place to entertain.

“With two outside terraces making the most of the views across Buckinghamshire, we can relax with our 80 closest friends,” says Richard.

Richard says it is hard to choose the couple’s favourite room: “If it is winter, we tend to migrate to the snug, where there is an original inglenook, one of eight in the manor, complete with roaring fire. In summer, we simply live in the conservatory overlooking the heated swimming pool.

“We have enjoyed some wonderful family celebrations here. The house has such a vibrant yet homely atmosphere, but after 18 months, we feel it is time to leave. In spring, the rhododendrons are magnificent.”

(Pull quote thingie in italics): “Sipping a glass of chilled Chablis on one of the manor’s terraces after an exhilarating game of polo is Richard’s idea of heaven.”

Okay. We don’t think Dean Heaviside will give EAT a job any time soon, but maybe our readers can do better at copy writing Fine-style adverts?

Look on it as a sort of EAT’s Got Talent. Brush up your creative writing skills and enter now!

And for those who may feel you lack the required creative skills, just copy and paste your favourite phrases from a real ad.

But please tell us which category you are entering.