The latest dead cert for property investors?

We all heard about those land-banking plots, the get-rich schemes where you put no money down and made millions with someone else’s money, and the off-plan apartments whose value could only ever go up.

But even EAT was a bit surprised to read of the latest too-good-to-miss offer for lovers of real estate.

We’re talking 53% projected growth, returns of 73% in two years, unlimited and guaranteed demand and, generally, a recession-proof investment opportunity to die for.

Given that this isn’t April 1 (although come to think of it, it is the silly season when politicians take their hols and the world economy implodes) we were astonished to discover that the serious opportunity in question is – burial plots.

Burial plots have not gone down in price for over 200 years, so the blurb we received tells us. Did they go down before that? It’s not clear, although in a way burial plots always do go down.

And is it a case of more surveyors than fewer surveyors saying that more burial plots than fewer have achieved a net balance of ancient and modern hymnals?

Would-be investors are being told that all funds are asset backed from day one (no, we don’t know what this means either), minimum growth figures are locked at 50% over 12 months (eh?) and there’s a clear exit strategy (we’re not sure whether this means you can sell your burial plot on at a profit, or use it yourself).

Investments start from under £1,000 and there’s even a cunning little graph showing appreciation of burial plots since 2003. We’re not sure what the mortgage lenders think, though.

Apparently, burial plots are a dead cert because people are still dying and there’s a critical shortage of somewhere to put the bodies.

Sigh. If only putting the world economy to rights could be that simple, it would be so easy to get Greece, Spain, Ireland and the US out of a deep, er, hole.

You still don’t think we’re being serious?

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