18/06/10 – Kate’s Anti-World Cup Blog – Stop Crying Your Heart Out

Stubbing their toe on the goalpost, tripping and knocking their eyeball on someone else’s shin, being told off by the referee for acting like a ninny, getting a grass stain on their favourite pair of shorts… there are umpteen excuses a footballer will use to burst into tears and dribble snot all over his over-priced T-shirt, and this year’s World Cup has, thus far, been no exception.
 
Introducing Jong Tae-Se – North Korea’s answer to a Kleenex promotion.


 
For those of you who missed the drama (much like myself – I was too busy crying into a latte after losing my stapler, but my colleagues have been kind enough to keep me in the loop), it was an outpour of emotion that could rival the water displays offered by Kate Winslet at an awards ceremony. But why was Tae-Se so upset? Had his hamster just died? Had he sat on a stinging nettle? Did his manager just tell him he’d only be earning £74,000,000 this year instead of the usual billion-million-trillion? No. It was all brought on by a bit of a sing-song. The camera panned across the proud, patriotic faces of the North Korean team as they belted out their national anthem, and it couldn’t help but pause on Jong Tae-Se’s tear-sodden face as he blubbered all over the pitch and barely kept himself from imploding. Honestly, watch the footage on YouTube. It’s priceless.
 
I’m sure there must have been a genuinely meaningful reason behind it all. The Internet is filled with explanations: his tear ducts have been surgically modified to react to certain combinations of musical notes; he was a bit mortified about not knowing the words to the national anthem; his eyes were sweating after the warm-up… or perhaps it was just your bog-standard case of patriotism? Perhaps the more likely scenario. But regardless of the reason, it’s safe to say that football (“The Crying Sport”, apparently) often brings out the waterworks in its players (let us not forget the infamous display of emotion from Gazza, bless his cardboard socks), and this is wonderful fodder for an anti World Cup blog. Oh, the fun I could have, mocking these players and their overreactions to just about everything…
 
It’s not just the crying. It’s the hilarious displays of “OH GOD, I’M DYING!” every time a player trips over a blade of grass and lands face-first in a muddy puddle – the writhing around on the floor, the clutching of shins, the contorting of their expressions into an look that strongly suggests they’re constipated, while the first aiders run onto the pitch, gather around the player, make a huge fuss and eventually fix everything with a Winnie The Pooh plaster.
 
What is it about this game that encourages grown men to regress and behave like playschool children? I wonder what their mothers think...
 
Oh, and P.S. Good luck tonight, England.
(I'm decent enough to say that).


Written by Kate Spalding.


To contact Kate, email kate.spalding@estateagenttoday.co.uk


For those of you who are utterly disgraced by Kate’s clear lack of support for our team, head on over to Toby’s column for the proper World Cup news.