02/07/10 - Kate's Anti-World Cup Blog - Balls

Well, what an interesting week it’s been. Unfortunately we slacked on our blogs (and we apologise) – Toby was far too busy listening to Dido and crying into a pillow following England’s untimely demise, and I was far too busy having too much of a life to give a hoot (for “having too much of a life”, please read “sleeping”). Granted, it’s not the nicest feeling in the world to know that our country was a bit pants when it came to kicking a ball around and was therefore swiftly booted from the competition, but this isn’t exactly the end of the world (cup. Ha! Funny). We’ve still got a week and a half of football to enjoy, God save us. And if, like me, you’re even less keen on the World Cup now that England is out of the equation, fret not! We’ve been spoilt! For the foreseeable future our TVs will be clogged with the likes of tennis, cricket and the Grand Prix. Oh lucky, lucky us.

Shall we all stand up together and scream? Yes, let’s.

Why? Why, why, why, why, WHY must we be punished for having a TV license? I swear, you think you’re over the worst of it, then along comes Jenson Button in his glorified bumper-car and Tim naffing Henman, or whoever it is we’ve got batting balls around for us this year, with his little white shorts and grunting noises. We just about get rid of one ball game and then we’re lumped with another. It’s all balls, balls, balls. Which is, quite frankly, balls. Do not like.

Mustn’t moan though. This is an anti World Cup blog, not an anti Every-Sporting-Event-In-The-History-Of-The-Universe blog, which it could quite easily become if I let it, but I wont. Because I’m not allowed. But let’s see; we have nine more days of football to endure. Here’s a list of nine (far more interesting) things we can be doing instead of shouting at our televisions:


1. Start a herb garden.
There’s nothing more entertaining than fiddling around with oregano stems and thyme leaves. You should talk to your herbs, much like you talk to the cactus in the lounge, because it helps them grow. If you talk for England, you may find that your herbs grow so tall that they block the sun from the garden and obstruct the shed door. If this happens, give your herb garden the silent treatment. You’ll soon find that your basil gets depressed and shrinks dramatically. Should your basil start talking back at you in an aggressive manner, chop its head off and stuff it inside a chicken. It’ll soon learn its lesson.

2. Buy a new pet.
Pets are a wonderful investment because they usually last for a long time. If you are good to your pet, you might find it keeps you company throughout many World Cup tournaments over the years to come. Parrots are especially good pets because they can talk, so a) you’ll have some company during the football, and b) you can train your parrot to tell your significant other the result of the game he missed at lunch time (always fun). If you cannot commit to a large, long-living animal, Russian dwarf hamsters are an ideal choice as they only live for two years (or two weeks if you forget to feed them).

3. Have a mid-life crisis.
This will not only benefit you, but also your entire family. You will come away from it with a brand new Porsche and a questionable-but-funky haircut, and your family will burn many calories belly-laughing every time they catch you crying as you bury your hamster in the herb garden. They may also develop a new-found love for you after realising they could have lost you when you went a bit mental at that paint-ball game on Sunday. It’s possible they may even cook you a roast dinner to show their appreciation for your very existence.

4. Spring-clean your car.
There are often lots of hidden treats to be found in an untidy car. By spring-cleaning your glove box, you may rediscover the packet of Hubba Bubba that you lost on your way to Glastonbury in 1994. Or you might find a bottle of de-icer under the passenger seat, which is always very exciting. If you come away from your spring-clean feeling wildly disappointed by the lack of treasures, why not go down to the compound and steal a disused Mini? You can then spend the afternoon spring-cleaning someone else’s car instead. Don’t forget to take it back to the compound afterwards and demand a fee for your efforts.

5. Begin a collection of caffeine-free teas.
Fruit infusions, Rooibos (or “Red Bush” to us commoners – that includes you, Nat Daniels), Oolong, Chamomile… the list is endless. Why not empty your kitchen cupboards and dedicate an entire shelf to your new teabags? You could arrange them alphabetically and in height order and stack them up in a colour-coded pattern. Make sure that when guests pop over for a cup of tea and a chin-wag, you run through your selection of teas to ensure you give them plenty of choices. This could take the best part of an hour, but don’t worry, guests like that. If you run out of Mint Breeze, tell your guest that you will run to the shop to get some more, just in case that’s what they wanted. Make sure your teabags are stored behind a glass door – it makes them look more impressive.

6. Try to construct a flat-pack bookshelf from Ikea.
Enough said.

7. Empty your hole-punch.
You’d be surprised how useful those little circles of paper can be. Perhaps you could use them as bedding for your hamster, or stick them all together and make a pretty collage to hang in the shed. Maybe you have several hole-punches lying around the house, and perhaps a couple in the car – in which case, why not empty all of them, pour the contents into an empty paddling pool and invite the neighbours round for a splish-splash? Be careful though. Those little circles will get into all kinds of places…

8. Invest in a wind-chime.
There’s nothing nicer in this weather than sitting out in the garden and having a nice barbeque, surrounded by your loved ones, your herb garden, and a wind-chime hanging from every branch of the apple tree next to the shed. Wind-chimes are generally safer when they’re smaller, especially if kept outside. The last thing you want is a gust of wind to blow a ten-foot metal tube into your eyeball. It’s a good idea to buy wind-chimes in a variety of sizes and place each of them in a specific spot on the tree, so that when the wind blows they play “Don’t Stop Me Now” by Queen. Be careful if there’s a tornado. Your wind-chimes might become hyperactive and start bashing out something by Slipknot.

9. Go to a pottery class.
There is nothing more therapeutic than clay, unless you get it stuck in your nostril, in which case it’s just annoying. Pottery classes have become very popular because people like to think they can re-enact those scenes from Ghost. Unfortunately people rarely get the ending they want, and instead just find themselves with a lovely crooked plate, which they take home, paint badly and put on display in the Welsh dresser for their relatives to laugh at. The more pottery classes you take, the better you become at making plates. In fact, you might even be able to make a vase one day. You can take this home, fill it with a basil plant and give it to your grandma for Christmas.


Written by Kate Spalding.
Contact Kate: kate.spalding@estateagenttoday.co.uk