And so it begins! We kick off today, excuse the pun, and come 3pm I’ll likely be as high as a six-year-old on fourteen packets of Haribo. South Africa go up against Mexico in the first of the World Cup 2010 games; we need beers at the ready, lucky pants on and plenty of atmosphere! I’m putting my money on South Africa winning tomorrow – it’s their day. South Africa is brimming with football fanatics, there’s hype surrounding the World Cup and the team themselves and I’d predict they’ve got it in the bag. I’ll be disobeying orders all over the place today – expect to find me finished for the day and in the pub by 2.30pm, sans wife and sans sobriety! Bring it on!
We found loads of brilliant rulebooks for women during the world cup, and thought we’d share the best of the best with you guys here on EAT, to get you started in the best way possible. I’d recommend printing this off and sticking it to the fridge. The World Cup is about to start and God save anyone who dares distract us – SHIRTS ON, BOYS! Best of luck to our guys on Saturday – we’re right behind ya!
Dear wife / sweetheart / girlfriend / partner / whomever it may concern,
1. Between 11th June and 11th July, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the world of football, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail to do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
2. During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
3. If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don’t mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
4. During the games, I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer the telephone or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor… it wont happen.
5. It would be a good idea for you to keep at least two six-packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding your body parts), and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6am, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
6. Please, please, please! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say “get over it, it’s only a game”, or “don’t worry, they’ll win next time”. If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never, ever know more about football than me and your so-called “words of encouragement” will only lead to a break up or divorce.
7. You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during half-time, but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half-time score is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying “one” game; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice, cheesy excuse to “spend time together”.
8. The replays of the goals are very important. I don’t care if I have seen them or I haven’t seen them, I want to see them again, many times.
9. Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings, that require my attendance because:
a) I will not go
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
10. But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
11. The daily World Cup highlights shown on TV every night are just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying “but you have already seen this… why don’t you change the channel to something we can all watch?”, because the reply will be “Refer to rule number 2 of this list”.
12. And finally, please save your expressions such as “Thank God the World Cup is only every four years!” I am immune to these words because before and after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, KPL, FA Cup, Euro Cup, etc.
P.S. If you get stuck on the road, call the police or the AA.
To contact Toby, email toby@estateagenttoday.co.uk
For those of you who would rather fry your faces on a George Foreman grill than suffer 90 minutes of testosterone-fuelled shouting (and how very dare you…), head on over to Kate’s column and complain about it all instead.
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