21/06/10 - The Art of the Score?

I did the England team the honour of settling down on Friday night to watch them play - not only to "support my country" but also in the hope that I'd be given reason to scream my head off victoriously and frighten my evil landlady - but I was left numb and half-comatose with boredom. What. A. Game. Do you know what better things I could have been doing with those ninety minutes? I do:

Sleeping.
Painting my nails.
Cooking a three-course meal for one.
Sleeping.
Shopping for a new lightbulb.
Redecorating my bedroom.
Watching paint on walls of said bedroom dry.
Sleeping.
Reorganising my sock drawer.
Watching Antiques Roadshow.
Tending to my neighbour's herb garden.
Did I mention sleeping?

Honestly, that's ninety minutes of my life that I'll never get back. Ninety minutes that could have been spent far more productively than watching a group of grown men dance around  themselves like they're too afraid to tackle each other in case they break a nail - or worse, score a goal - and my God! I only watched it in the hope that I'd have something half positive to write about today, and do I have anything half positive to write about? Do I balls.

I'm not entirely convinced that the England team realise they're supposed to score on the pitch as well as off. Perhaps the likes of John Terry and Ashley Cole have been focussing too much of their energy on their bedposts, rather than the goalposts, and this is down-right naughty. How can we (perhaps, specifially, women) be expected to cheer on a team of lying, cheating [insert profanity]s when a) they're lying, cheating [insert profanity]s, and b) they can't even do us the honour of playing the game properly? I accept that we're all entitled to our down days, but come on, boys, you're supposed to be professionals. I'm a professional. Do you see me rolling into work ten minutes late, with a hangover, wearing trainers and jeans and with mascara smudged under my left eye? Well, possibly (shush face, boss), but at least I get the job done, and that's more than we could say for you lot last Friday.

And Rooney. Oh, Rooney. If the crowd want to boo you, they'll boo you. You can moan about it all you like, which will make them boo you more, which will make you moan more, which will make them... you get the idea. I'm not sure what the deal is with these footballer types. If they're not falling over and bursting into tears, they're losing games and bursting into a rage. Surely everyone would be so much happier if England just went ahead and won their next match?

Tell you what. In time for our next match, Wednesday's column will be: How To Win At Football. If England kick some World Cup bum? You'll have me to thank. You're welcome.

Written by Kate Spalding.


To contact Kate, email kate.spalding@estateagenttoday.co.uk


For those of you who are utterly disgraced by Kate’s clear lack of support for our team, head on over to Toby’s column for the proper World Cup news.