On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: the next Douglas & Gordon film. I hope it will be even funnier than the last, although we’re still not sure what the film is actually for. Any clues?
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: two new window stickers, one from NFoPP saying ‘Licensed Agent: but please note, we do NOT serve alcohol on these premises’ and the other from an obscure software company which no one has ever heard of but which I feel strangely compelled to put in my window at once. And a D&G film.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: three new designs of calling cards for touting purposes, two window stickers and a D&G film.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: four fresh instructions for repossessions together with strict instructions not to describe them as such, three new designs of calling cards (for touting purposes), two window stickers and a D&G film
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: FIVE FIRST-TIME BUYERS! Four new repos, three calling cards (for touting purposes), two window stickers, and a D&G film.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: six virtual offices (it’s the way to go), FIVE FIRST-TIME BUYERS, four new repos, three touting cards, two window stickers and a D&G film.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: seven begging letters (not from anyone in particular, but you know what times are like), six virtual offices, FIVE FIRST-TIME BUYERS, four repos, three touting cards, two window stickers and a D&G film.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: eight looters looting (as they do), seven begging letters, six virtual offices, FIVE FIRST-TIME BUYERS, four repos, three touting cards, two window stickers, and a D&G film.
On the ninth day of Christmas, I could hardly get through the door, as my true love had sent me at least nine different warnings from various government departments about how I’d have to go to jail for not registering for money laundering, health and safety, data protection, the EU, OFT, HMRC, equal opportunities, TV licensing, local councils, and quite a few more. I also received eight looters looting, seven begging letters, six virtual offices, FIVE FIRST-TIME BUYERS, four repos, three touting cards, two new window stickers and a D&G film.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: ten (or thereabouts – it might have been more) reasons why ARLA can’t support SAFE; plus nine official warnings, eight looters looting, seven begging letters, six virtual offices, FIVE FIRST-TIME BUYERS, four repos, three calling cards, two new window stickers and a D&G film.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me: eleven solicitors’ letters claiming large sums of damages after their clients shimmied up For Sale boards to scan in the QR codes with their phones, and suffered a series of life-changing injuries on their way down. I also received: ten (or more, I really am losing count) reasons why ARLA can’t support SAFE; plus nine official warnings, eight looters looting, seven begging letters, six virtual offices, FIVE FIRST-TIME BUYERS, four repos, three calling cards, two new window stickers and a D&G film.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, I got a cheery Christmas card from Rightmove saying that my rates would be going up next year. Ho! Ho! Ho! I also got: eleven solicitors’ letters, ten (or is it fifteen?) reasons why ARLA can’t support SAFE, plus nine official warnings, eight looters looting, seven begging letters, six virtual offices, FIVE FIRST-TIME BUYERS, four repos, three calling cards, two new window stickers and a D&G film.
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Comments
Funny how when someone makes a point that another person simply has no answer to - rather than admit their own stupidity - they resort to name calling.
The only tossers around here are the ones that helped get us into this mess and who still can't actually see what has happened and what is going to happen.
You always know the argument is won when you get called a smart arse.
@ Anon, I like it!
Please note.....
All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture,
particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating
in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by
CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel
of the Lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last years well-publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr R Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct
gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent instance of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly.
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed chappie, known as Puzzled of Tunbridge Wells at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
Panto Time - why are people who want house prices to return to a sane relationship with affordability - who don't want to have to borrow hundreds of thousands of pounds to hand over to someone older to them as their unearned equity - who want to spend their earnings on goods and services (creating demand, jobs and tax revenues in the process) instead of simply paying interest to lenders so they can, in turn, pay their employees millions in bonuses - idiots?
Strikes me that people who helped to engineer the current situation and who want it to continue are really complete and utter idiots.
Utterly Brilliant.......by the way anyone had a Christmas card from RIGHTMOVE???
CLASS! ;o)
Thanks for the year's entertainment, EAT!
Happy Christmas one and all.
HO HO HO
.......a nice summary
Ros, It's a tad early to be on the G&T's especially when in charge of a keyboard. Happy Christmas
could they make one with a happy ending where all HPC idiots get put away with the Xmas decs or they are content with the new tos they get from santa and go back to a kids area?? That would be a Panto!