23/06/10 - Kate's Anti-World Cup Blog - How to Win at Football

Let's face it. We love our boys. Even I, a footie-loather, am not ashamed to admit that I'm full of support for our team. The World Cup is a fine excuse to get all patriotic and cheer on our country, whether we like football or prefer... I don't know... yoga. It's all about team spirit, and I'm full of it. Go England! Go Team! Etc. Very exciting.

What a wonderful, brilliant, great country we are. And how blessed we are to have such fine sporting gentlemen representing us. Fine sportsmen who are nothing if not brilliant at their chosen sport, who score goals for us at the click of a finger, and who are going to win this championship...

... BUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

Okay. As much as I wish I could be kind here, I'm afraid (and even the football fans will agree with me here) that England have been letting us down just a tad. Is it anyone's fault in particular? I haven't a clue. But in preparation for this afternoon's game, I thought it might be a nice idea, as promised, to compile a "How To..." list to help give our boys a nudge in the right direction. It's the very least I can do.


How To Win At Football (An Idiot's Guide)

1. At the beginning of the game, stand in the middle of the pitch and don't take your eyes off the ball. Once the whistle has been blown by the referee (please note: the referee is not on your team, nor your rival's team; the referee is simply there to look pretty and occasionally shout at you when you fall over)... where were we? Oh yes, once the whistle has been blown, someone will likely start to kick the ball around the pitch. If you see the ball coming in your direction, run away from it as fast as you can (feel free to fall down a few times on your way).

2. Sometimes you might see the ball coming at you from the sky. This is not an act of God. It's more likely that one of your team mates has performed a "header". This means he has kicked the ball with his face instead of his foot and probably needs medical attention. If you see the ball coming at you from the sky, the best thing to do is duck, very quickly, and perhaps fall over. Do not, whatever you do, attempt to kick the ball with your own face or foot.

3. If a member of the opposing (a posh word for "opposite") team is in control of the ball, it is your duty to become wildly jealous and try to get the ball for yourself. To do this, you will need to "tackle" the player who has the ball. A tackle requires you to do the following: run at him with a very angry look on your face, flap your arms around a bit (but do not poke him in the eye or the referee will shout at you), try very hard to hook the ball with your foot and then fall over.

4. Every now and again, someone on your team will do something very naughty and the opposing team will be offered a "penalty". This means the opposite team will be given a chance to score a goal (where the ball goes in the net and a point is scored) without all the running around. You and your team mates will be expected to line up in front of the goal with your hands covering your particulars. Someone from the opposite team will then try to kick the ball past you so that it goes into the net. If they kick the ball and it starts flying in your direction it is wise to get out of the way so that the ball can get past. You can do this by running into the goal yourself, or by falling over.

5. While you are running around on the pitch and doing your best to avoid the ball, the referee might blow his whistle and shout "OFFSIDE!". Do not panic. This is not your fault. You are not expected to understand what "offside" means because even the referee doesn't know what it means. All that is known of this strange phenomenon is that when the referee shouts "offside", someone on the opposite team will magically be in possession of the ball instead of you. It is a wise move to stand in front of the referee at this point and start shouting at him. If he starts shouting back at you, fall over a few times to prove your point.

6. After half time, you must remember that the pitch turns back-to-front and you are now trying to score goals in the net you were trying NOT to score goals in throughout the first half. This rule exists purely to confuse you and to trap you into scoring an own-goal by accident. Should this happen, it is perfectly okay to immediately fall flat on your face and pretend you have twisted your ankle. The paramedics will come onto the pitch and stick a plaster on you and the goal will likely be disallowed on the basis that you are seriously injured.

7. Occasionally miracles do happen on the pitch, and you may find yourself scoring a goal for your team (probably by accident). If this happens, you may notice that the crowd become louder and all your team mates start running at you because they'd like to give you a cuddle. Do not panic if this should occur. Embrace the attention. If you see one of your team mates fall over while he's running towards you with his arms wide open, it is suggested that you jump on top of him and land awkwardly on your belly. This is called a "pile-up". Pile-ups can cause further injury to the team player who fell over, but do not worry. Injuries are a large and very important part of football. This is why you have substitutes.

8. If you are a goalie, it is your duty to stand in front of the net at all times, like a statue, to protect the goal and stop any balls from passing into it. If you see the ball coming at you from across the pitch, it is your responsibility to stand perfectly still to obstruct the ball's path. If it looks like the ball is headed towards the left-hand corner of the net, and you are standing by the right-hand corner of the net, do not waste your energy by trying to run to the left-hand corner of the net because you wont have time. Instead, perform what is known as a "dive". This is basically a posh word for falling over, except your fall over with your hands above your head instead of to your sides. You may need a plaster afterwards.

9. Towards the end of the game, you might start to feel a bit tired. It is perfectly acceptable at this point to take a nap on the grass. You will need to be subtle in your approach; the best thing to do is fall over and then refuse to get up. Don't clasp your shins and say "Oooooohhhh" and then cry like you normally would - just lay very still and wait for the paramedics. They will come onto the pitch and put you on a stretcher, where you can have a little doze for a few minutes. As soon as you sense that they are about to put you in an ambulance, miraculously get better. You will wake up feeling refreshed, and will likely have a plaster stuck to your knee to help you recover.

10. And finally... sometimes, at the end of the game, the referee will call for "stoppage time". This means you will be given extra time to continue playing football, to make up for the time lost due to people falling over. Stoppage time can last anything from 1 minute to four hours. It is not a good idea to fall over during stoppage time, otherwise they will need to add more time to the stoppage time (this is known as "stoppage-stoppage-time"). Once stoppage time has finished, you are free to fall over as many times as you like, and then you can go home, where you can count your plasters and avoid press releases like the plague (the press are not your friends because they think you're a bit rubbish). After a week or so, it's probably safe to come out of the house and prepare for your next match.


If that doesn't help England win their match today, I don't know what will. Amen.


Written by Kate Spalding.
Contact Kate: kate.spalding@estateagenttoday.co.uk